my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
