im six kinds of drunk right now
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
