New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
