She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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