You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
