Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
