He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
