i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
