bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
