when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
