just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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