My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
