and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
