Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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