I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
