you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
