I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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