i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Drunk is a universal language darling
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
