Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
