I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
