i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
