for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
