Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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