My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
