This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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