someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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