Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I am in a vortex of obligation.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
