her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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