well you can't waste a boner
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
