Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
