Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
