nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
