I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
