Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
