We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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