I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
