I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
