Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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