I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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