Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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