Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The Olympian is in my bed
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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