Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
