hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have aggressive nipples.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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