You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
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