Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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