I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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