My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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