I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
