To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
