girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
we should paint friendship bongs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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